By Stanley Mudawarima

There is a painful truth hiding in plain sight:

We have become a generation that arrives at funerals with empty hands and full stomachs waiting to be fed by those who are grieving.

Yet traditionally, in Shona, Ndebele, Tonga, Venda, Kalanga and many other African cultures, a funeral (mariro / umngcwabo) was never a place you went to it was a place you carried something to.

It was never a consumption event.

It was a community duty.

1. How It Was Done Traditionally

a) The community carried the load

When death struck, villages mobilised instantly.

Neighbours brought:

• firewood

• maize grain / mealie-meal

• goats or chickens

• water

• vegetables

• small contributions of money (mariro)

No one waited to be asked. Rufu harutambi death does not joke.

Everyone understood that the bereaved had not planned for this, and so the community became the buffer.

b) No one was fed unless they contributed

In traditional culture:

• Those who arrived empty-handed worked (fetching water, firewood, digging, cooking).

• Men took the hard labour roles.

• Women took the kitchen, comfort, and preparation roles.

You contributed before you consumed.

c) The bereaved did not cook

In fact, it was taboo for the grieving family to cook for guests during mourning.

Aunties, uncles, neighbours, and young men handled everything — because mourning is sacred, and the family must be allowed to grieve.

d) Solidarity began before death

When someone was sick, neighbours quietly brought:

• food

• money

• transport

• prayers

Love was shown to the living, not the dead.

2. What Went Wrong With Modern Culture

a) Urbanisation killed the village safety net

In cities, people live behind gates, fences, intercoms.

Community died.

Funerals became events, not duties.

b) Social media turned funerals into social gatherings

People now attend funerals the way they attend parties to be seen and show off latest fashion trends .

c) Financial strain: funerals became too expensive

The bereaved family is already overwhelmed:

• hospital bills

• mortuary fees

• coffin

• transport

• burial space

• food for visitors

• logistics

Yet we go there expecting sadza, beef, chicken and drinks for free.

d) We celebrate weddings but forget funerals

We bless couples who have planned for two years…

…but burden families who had zero planning time.

e) “Kudya mariro” has become normalized

Some people literally go to funerals for food, not to comfort.

This is morally backwards.

3. How We Must Evolve

a) Arrive with something always

It doesn’t have to be much.

A funeral is not a restaurant.

Bring:

• US$5 or $10

• mealie-meal

• firewood

• vegetables

• cooking oil

• transport

• your labour

Even your presence can be a contribution but presence without effort is freeloading.

b) Start helping at the hospital

Before the person dies, families face:

• scans

• oxygen bills

• drugs

• admissions

• emergencies

This is when help matters most.

c) Normalize funeral contribution budgets

Families and friends must be able to say:

“Each person please bring $10 or one item.”

This is not begging it is culture.

d) Churches, neighbours, workplaces must revive “kitchen committees”

A structured model where:

• one group cooks

• one handles firewood

• one handles water

• one handles contributions

• one handles transport

This was how the village worked.

e) Teach our children early

Let the next generation grow up knowing:

You don’t go to a funeral empty-handed. Ever.

4. Moral Lesson

Love is not a speech you give at a funeral.

Love is the firewood you carry before the pot boils.

Q & A — Understanding the Tradition, the Problem, and the Way Forward

Q1. Why was it taboo for the bereaved to cook?

A: Because mourning weakens the spirit. Cooking is labour.

The community steps in so the family can rest and process the loss.

Q2. Why did people always bring goods to a funeral?

A: Because death is sudden and costly.

Traditional communities knew this and cushioned each other.

Q3. Has modern culture completely lost this?

A: Not completely but urban life has diluted communal responsibility.

People arrive expecting food, not offering support.

Q4. What is the minimum someone should bring?

A: Anything no contribution is too small:

$2, firewood, vegetables, labour, transport.

It’s the spirit that matters.

Q5. Should this tradition be brought back?

A: Yes urgently.

Modern funerals are financially exhausting, and communities must restore collective responsibility.

Q6. Why do people give money at weddings but not funerals?

A: Weddings are celebrations and people want to be seen.

Funerals are sad but real love must include sadness, not just joy.

Q7. What is the cultural principle behind funeral contributions?

A: “Rufu harutambirwi nemaoko asina chinhu.”

You don’t meet death with empty hands.

Q8. What practical steps can families take?

A:

• Set up a funeral committee

• Use WhatsApp groups responsibly

• Create contribution lists

• Assign clear roles: water, firewood, cooking, transport, security

• Budget transparently

• Involve neighbours, church groups, workplaces

Conclusion — The New Covenant of Compassion

A community that eats at your funeral must have fed you when you were dying.

Let us return to the culture of:

• carrying something,

• doing something,

• giving something,

• supporting something.

Because tomorrow, the coffin may be in our own yard and we will need the same compassion we gave.